I love playing these things on the show, but unfortuantely for me, a couple of douchebags recorded this in the most ghetto-fied way: holding up a camcorder to the TV and giggling throughout the whole thing. Still pretty funny, though.
Their latest act was shown on last Sunday's Edinburgh and Beyond, however I think this is the superior of the two I have seen. They're a comedy trio, and in this video they mock the likes of Derren Brown and his Russian Roulette special:
This will put you in the halloween mood: An old article from The Onion entitled: Generic Candy Corn Will Give You AIDS: By By Patrick Carlin CEO, Brach's Confections.
P.S. Whenever There is a Best-Of Show, or a program that pops up REALLY late, and I'm NOT sick... chances are I either got super drunk or got super laid. I gots my priorities
... here's another way you can pawn your work onto your coworkers.
THACKERVILLE, Okla. - Feeling like playing hooky, but nervous about getting caught? The Excused Absence Network has got your back.
For about $25, students and employees can buy excuse notes that appear to come from doctors or hospitals. Other options include a fake jury summons or an authentic-looking funeral service program complete with comforting poems and a list of pallbearers.
We've *ALL* misheard song lyrics. I've pointed that out many times on the show (There is semen in your hands). Here's taking that concept to the extreme: Japanese style, of course.
Cheryl Merkowski (Honayyyeeee) sent this bit of news to me:
While there may not be a ShitTube yet, there is SmellyPoop.Com where you can take pics of your shit and share noteworthy craps with the world. Best feature: Electronic Shit Greeting Cards.
There are also some pretty funny Yahoo! Answers-related YTMDs here. The greatest one of all time is, of course, I AM TRULEY SORRY FOR YOUR LOTS by Nitros14.
Before I get to the topic at hand, having listened to the extended show
this weekend (BUY A SIDESHOW SUBSCRIPTION IF YOU HAVEN'T YOU CUNTS) I
have to correct Tim on a minor point.
He said on the show that the reason he changed the name of the member
site was due to it sounding like a Rick James song, however true that
may be, it's not the original reason he gave on the show way back when
the sideshow launched. The original reason was that some band or group
complained to him that their group was called The Superfreaks Sideshow.
Having never heard of them Tim should have just ignored the threat like
so many of his emails.
Now, down to business.
Here is the first in a series of clips of games
with acting that is just awful. I'm not talking Resident Evil bad, I'm
talking so bad that the game makes you cringe and wish a magical storm
of bleach upon your eyeballs.
The first game I'm going to show off is this gem, The 7th Guest. The
game itself is brilliant. Puzzles, tension, suspense, it's all there.
It's just a shame the actors seemed to want to play their parts as if
they had a bet between themselves to see who could get the sack first.
A classic. If you haven't seen this yet, where the fuck have you been?
I'm hoping someone posts his latest work on YouTube since it's totally awesome. I'd do it, but hell if I'm going to upload it and get another of my accounts yanked.
In an effort to spread the Godliness of the legend Charlie Brooker here is part 1 of episode 5 of his BBC4 show, Screenwipe. In which Charlie dissects various television shows with his inimitable style.
Every single episode is available on Youtube from the same uploader so check them out.
Okay, so maybe only the video game nerds will find this funny. Which, uh... I'm not. A video game nerd, that is. But I've wandered into a game or 90 of Halo 3 and even being a n00b I find this fairly true-to-life.
Well, I'm not saying that if you clicked here you would see his DICK AN' NUTZ... I'm just saying that if you were going to click there, you might not want to do so at work. Or with children in the room. Or if you have a serious aversion to gingham.
Your name is Chip Blockford and you pick me up in your classique Ford GS-10TW (not a real car, but this is my fantasy so fuck off). We go to dinner. You order the buttermilk lobster and a glass of Chincoco. You try to order for me, but I don't want pork riblets a la mode. So, I interupt you and tell the server to make it a shrimp scampi platter with a side of crinkle cut fries. You correct my pronunciation of "scampi" (I pronounced it "sh-kahmp-I", which is the original icelandic pronunciation of it). I scream at you to stop trying to control me which then turns into this HUGE thing. You throw some dinner rolls at me, and I stick a fork in your hand.
After the bleeding subsides, you redeem yourself by ordering some prew-chewed chicken-fried donuts and crisco poppers with dipping grease from the appetizer menu. How did you know they were my favorites?
Our conversation is typical first-date chit-chat: why you hate your family, why I was in prison for 5 1/2 years and now am not allowed to live within 2 miles of a playground or school, etc etc. You tell me that I have pretty eyes and I in return tell you that children can be such cock teases.
After dinner I tell you how I think it would be romantic to go scream racial epithets while driving around in the poor part of town. You spin the car around and we spend a good hour hurling hatred and laughing (all while holding hands)
I invite you back to my place for drinks and a movie. You immediately knew that was theinly veiled code for some hot makeout action and possibly more if you play your cards right (and my herpes haven't flared up). Unfortuantely, Designing Women was on Lifetime and instead of having sex, we each took turns playing Dixie Carter and Annie Potts. "That's the night the lights went out in Georgia!". Your impression was better than mine. You fell asleep and I smelled your fingers. Then I rubbed one out and went to sleep, too. Dream Date!
On a different note: Tis the season of pumpkin seeds. If you're going to go with the store-bought variety, do yourself a favor and avoid Planters Pumpkin Seeds. Everyone knows the David brand makes a far superior product. And for christ sakes, eat the shell, you pussy.
The voice of Lil Markie is one Mark Fox. He's that sexy mulleted beast you see to the right. We all know Diary of an Unborn Child and Diary of an Acoholic Father, right? Don't get me wrong: those songs really are the cream of the Lil Markie crop, but there's something just really creepy about this tune, titled Let The Sun Shine In. Check it out. I still haven't figured out who the third voice is supposed to be. Sounds like a possessed Lil Markie.
By now we all know about Larry Craig and his gay airport restroom antics. Now we've got a real, live homosexual stepping up to the plate to share his DIRTY (and I do mean DIRTY - read on) tryst with the senator. Wonkette has the full story, but here's what went down.
It all started about 20 years ago at a Go-Go bar called La Cage aux Follies on Capitol Hill. Already this story is too gay for about 85% of you. The 15% left is about to clicky-clicky outta here in 5..4...
"...he disappeared and returned with lube and a condom to fuck me me with. It was a clumsy and unremarkable fuck, except that I wasn't clean and he was frantic about not getting my shit on anything. Still, he blew his load, ripped the dirty condom off and ordered me to get dressed without wiping myself...."
"Straight" from the bear's mouth..er..ass...er...mouth. Ass to mouth, really.
A frothy mixture of lube and shit. Santorum! Huzzah!
I actually had the chance to meet these two DV fans and they're really great people. Super nice, and apparently super horny. They love to get it on in public webcam chat rooms. What better way to spread the distortion than writing the URL above your completely shaven bacon hole? Perfection! Sorry I had to block out the good bits but should you surf on over to xtube one day, search for the user "sexin247"...you might just recognize him/her.
My Myspace buddy Sam13 sent me a link to a band called Ten Masked Men. They're from the UK. Any of my British freaks ever heard of them? They take popular songs and death metalize them. It's the scary opposite version of Kidz Bop! Anyways, here's my personal favorite of their songs (for obvious reasons). When you're don listening, check out the bands Myspace profile and listen to their version of Eye of the Tiger.
Here's an ad for Sensuous Photography that I found in a Columbus circular a few years back. Naturally, I scanned it in and saved it.
People, I realize Christmas shopping for your loved ones can be difficult, but odds are they don't want dirty pictures of pets. America: stop slutting up your animals! On the other hand, they've done research and came to the conclusion that this service offers "The Ultimate Sexy Gift", and who are we to question proven scientific fact? Go ahead, dress your Yorkiepoo in a crotchless thong. It'll make a hell of a Christmas card.
Instead of sexual harassment training videos, in the mid-90's, corporate orientation went totally interactive with CBT's, or Computer Based Training. In 1996 I got my very first job at Walmart who just started using CBTs. Needless to say, I was extremely relieved to see that while the training technology has evolved, the quality of acting was still stuck below late-night Cinemax levels.
Check out this video. A kid who was just welcomed as new hire into the Sears family of department stores decides to tapes a particularly painful training module.
If this was the real world, it would have sounded more like:
I can't think of a place I'd rather NOT have sex more than a podiatrist's office. You freaks know how I feel about feet being involved in any with sex: it's wrong and immoral...and gross. I'd rather give someone a rimjob. At least you wipe that area down a few times a day. And thanks to Cottenell Wet Wipes, now your shit hole has a fresh spring scent! It's almost a JOY to dart your tongue in and out of an anus.
Anyways, some podiatrist is accused of setting up hidden cameras in his office. Why would he do that? Sex, of course. It appears the sex was consensual, which makes sense. It's kind of a stretch to believe a woman would be tricked into taking her clothes off while the doctor worked on a bunion: "No, no.. nowadays we get to the foot through the vagina..."
The hidden camera was found and authorities were called after a female employee spotted a videotape which featured her dressing and undressing in the exam room.
Bolivia, which is a country not necessarily known for their hookers, has banned all brothels and bars. One prostitute is protesting by sewing her cock-blower shut. Not a smart move? Why? Criminalizing prostitution will drive-up the prices. This cunt could be sitting (or swallowing) a goldmine!
This drama queen knows how play the victim:
"Tomorrow we will bury ourselves alive if we are not immediately heard. The mayor will have his conscience to answer to if there are any grave consequences, such as the death of my comrades," she said, surrounded by about 10 prostitutes who had sewn their lips together with thread.
The Reuters article has all the filthy, stinky, genital wart-covered details... (Click Here)
Wow, now I want to go deaf and BLIND. This is almost too much for my poor peepers, expecially considering the video of the fatass eating Taco Bell I recently posted. My pupils are filled with rage and blood. I thought after 12 CD CRAPilations, the Kidz Bop "craze" would have waned, but no. As a matter of fact, these cunt-turds are launching a world tour! There is no God.
For those ones of people who have been following my career in the arts, you know I've tried several times to get myself a syndicated comic strip deal. This almost happened in 2004 with my daily strip "This Special Life". As a matter of fact, the La Sequanta Times in New Mexico had a deal on the table for my daily strip AND a special weekend strip I was trying to get going called "The Sunday Jamboree". Both of those deals fell through the first week I was to be published when I submitted a strip entitled, "Forcing Mee-Maw to Eat Candy Corn Feces". Since then, I've just focused on my podcast. Until last month when I was contacted by a MAGAZINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The editors at Highlights for Children enjoyed my rudimentary artwork and sense of humor. They said if I could tone it down a bit, I could be featured in the November 2007 issue! They're running a special on the topic of "babies", and asked children to write their own stories on the subject. They told me to create a one-panel cartoon featuring a stork and they'd put it on the page opposite Goofus and Gallant. Needless to say, I was E-X-C-I-T-E-D!
So, I hear back today that my strip has been rejected (once again) AND I'm not allowed within 100 feet of their corporate editoral offices. What. The. Fuck.
Here's the strip in question. Is this NOT what they asked me to do? Sheesh.
Can anyone clue me in as to what I did wrong here? It's like I can't win at anything. Life sucks.
We've got a lady fat-man here, my freaks. In this video she states she doesn't WANT to eat the rest of her Taco Bell, but she knows we're all cheering her on. Dip it in that cheese sauce, fatty.
By Tim Henson on October 25, 2007 1:37 AM
|Permalink
Goatse has been around for so long it's not only infiltrated Halloween, but also beloved video games. Spot the Goatse!
I'll end it right there. We've all known about goatse for about a decade now. These days it's all about 2girls1cup, which is already played out. But, for these pics and a gazillion other goatse variations, check out the Tribute to Goatse. It should go without saying, some of the pics are very NSFW. Unless you happen to be a video editor at a fisting porn studio.
The tats utilizing bellybuttons as assholes are particulary trashy, and quite honestly, my favorites.
Nascar + Backfat! Success. Ths is what happens to county pork queens when they get older. Also, please note the wrinkly elbows. It's really the bud light icing on this redneck cake.
*Shocker!* God bless Geraldo and his evil-villan mustache. A few days ago on his Fox News program, Ford Shelly, a former friend of Anna's, popped up on his show to share a home video that featured a heavly FUCKED UP Smith acting as if a baby-doll she was toting around was a real infant. Parts of the video have been shown, but never fully released.
The really creepy part is Howard K. Stern's comments on the video. Looks and sounds as if he was totally trying to cash in on her demise. Hilarious!
By Tim Henson on October 24, 2007 11:10 PM
|Permalink
One has to wonder what type of people shop at dollar stores. I mean, they've got such random inventory. It's impossible to say, "We're out of hummus, I'm off to The Dollar Cove", because the store could have hummus...but they probably won't. There's never a product that's consistently in-stock (besides candles with religious-inspired artwork and porcelain frogs). My best guesstimation is that the average Dollar Store Shopper is also the typical Thrift/Flea Market/Payless Shoe Source shopper. These are the same type of people where you go over their house and they offer you Food Club soda products. Gross, right?
Never been to a dollar store? Live vicariously through me as I showcase a few gems I found at one of my local establishments.
Today's Installment:
Pretty -n- Silky Children's Creme Relaxer
The first thing you notice about Pretty -N- Silky Creme Relaxer is that they've got the world's ugliest child on the box. Common to Dollar Store products, ugly people on boxes apparently translates to
!!BIG SALES!! in the world of clearance retail.
When applying dangerous chemicals to your scalp, It's important to first read warnings for pertinent information you may not be aware of:
I think we should take a minute and talk about priorities. While relaxing ones hair may result in a pleasant look and admiration from friends and family, if you've got an open head wound, put the hair thing on the back-burner.
Ted's going to have to sit this one out.
HOLY MOTHER FUCKING CHRIST !!! TELL ME THAT YOU APPLIED NUTRIENTSHEEN! NOOO!!!!!
And to your right, Brandi here is illustrating what happens when you forget Nurientsheen: you go retarded. An important lesson has been learned: don't forget Nurientsheen. Horrible, nasty things happen when you forget Nurientsheen. Just ask Ted.
You know what Pretty -N- Silky Relaxer is lacking? A celebrity cross-promotion. Let's take a minute and pray to the deity Nokitu (the evil, twin headed pagan goddess of Product Marketing).
All Hail the powerful Nokitu! Please, give Pretty -N- Silky the celebrity endorsement it so rightfully deserves.
Nokitu was great in Billboard Dad, BTW.
B2K To The B2Res-Q!
Boy, do they look PISSED. I hope B2K fired their manager after they found out about this promotion.
Will Tim End Up using Pretty-N-Silky? Only Time will tell. (Yep, that's really me from 2003-ish)
I can't figure out if B2K's star is rising or falling. I don't think I've ever heard any of their songs. Of course there are so many music acts that have similar names, I can't keep them straight. B2K, BBMak, Mak-N-Cheez, Chedda-Fry, Fry Club 7..etc. Welcome to 2001 again. My head is spinning. I can't believe the band OK'ed this deal, though.
"You're going to be huge! You're face is going to be plastered on every African American chemical hair product in AMERICA! CA-CHING"
1) $1,000 in LA will get you dinner at McDonalds, a night at the Howard Johnson, and an hour with "Trent" who keeps telling you "anything goes, buddy.." but really just means a hand-job sans lubricant.
2) "Be an extra in a B2K music video" - Really means: you get a split-second of camera time probably doing something insanely stupid. "I'm Mall Girl Number 2 tying her shoes on the escalator". Not exactly essential to the plot. But I find it hard to believe B2K videos have much of plot to begin with.
3) Notice there is nothing in the contest description that indicates that you'd be spending any sort of time with B2K. Oh sure, you'll be in LA with them, but let's face it: LA is a pretty big place. I'm venturing to guess the boys will try to avoid the Gas-N-Sleep the Prett-N-Silky people put you up in.
Conclusion...
We learned that Esther Rolles' child is doing some light modeling. We also learned that Nokitu starred in 90's beloved sitcom Full House. Oh, and B2K sold out to RELAXING CREME. They must totally get shit from Chedda Fry over that one.
Finally we learned the most important lesson of all:
One has to wonder what type of people shop at dollar stores. I mean, they've got such random inventory. It's impossible to say, "We're out of hummus, I'm off to The Dollar Cove", because the store could have hummus...but they probably won't. There's never a product that's consistently in-stock (besides candles with religious-inspired artwork and porcelain frogs). My best guesstimation is that the average Dollar Store Shopper is also the typical Thrift/Flea Market/Payless Shoe Source shopper. These are the same type of people where you go over their house and they offer you Food Club soda products. Gross, right?
