1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem. 2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.
In case you are unaware, Slamball is what a bunch of trampoline-addicted dipshits thought of doing when someone moved a basketball hoop near their backyard trampoline. Roughly, it involved trampolines AND basketballs. It's X-TREME. X-TREME SLAMBALL, next up on FOX! But first, we'll tell YOU how to protect YOUR FAMILY against sex offender vegetables and how your next visit to the produce aisle, COULD BE YOUR LAST. Stay tuned!
Anyway, a gallery of slamball moments, from youtube.
The classic one, complete with slamball crybaby. "Um. Somebody get someone." (no one does)
Good. Jump. Touch the rim. Jump, touch the rim. Good. Good. Jump, touch, jump, touch, jump, be a retard.
The approach is flawless. The form is perfection incarnate. The jump is arching wonderfully. The spin is done with a flair.. there's just.. something.. missing.
Ever been on the London Underground? Probably not. Most of you suck. For those of you unlucky enough to live in London, well, sorry. Maybe you've heard it in movies? She's the Mind the Gap lady. And not the store full of fags and overpriced khakis, but the gap, as in hole. As in you could fall in. And not in a good way. In a dead way. Like if you fell in Cheryl's hole.
Anyway, the Voice of the Underground is a voice over actress named Emma Clarke. She's apparently very popular for doing radio spots and so forth too (side note! Tim, there is almost nothing I want more than to hear a British lady saying the dickhole guy's lines. "Did you see that? Did you see that? I shoved my finger up my dickhole." and so forth. Get on that.) Anyway.
Anyway, Clarke has a few "mock" announcements that she made, posted to her blog/site, and then some uptight British twat found them and got all offended (another side note, when will people get over themselves and realize that humor is about bad things happening to people that aren't you?).
By Tim Henson on November 27, 2007 9:15 PM
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Everyone who listens to DV knows Butch Walker because I play snippets of his music all the time at the end of the show. MTV.com is reporting that poor Butch lost everything in the California Wildfires. The house he was staying at was burned completely down.
According to Butch, "I had just consolidated my entire recording studio and house from Atlanta into the one house In Malibu. I lost everything I've ever owned. Every master of every song I've ever recorded, every piece of recording equipment, guitars, drums and things I've collected over the years, cars, motorcycles, every family memorial, heirloom, picture, and document we ever had.... Gone. I feel like I finally know the difference between 'going back' and 'going home'."
I know, I know, Boo-hoo, he's rich, think of the other people who dont have money and lost everything...blah blah blah. But it's still sad he lost everything he's ever worked on.
By Tim Henson on November 27, 2007 4:05 PM
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According to multiple sources, Pepsi is set to launch Pepsi Raw in the UK. In an attempt to market a cola as "organic" or "all natural", Pepsi Raw will use pure cane sugar instead of HFCS. Trademork.com has also found that one of Pepsi's trademark filings included a potential logo for the cola. Pretty exciting stuff, right? In the US, there is speculation the name of the product will be Pepsi Natural.
Trademork has also uncovered various trademark filings for potential Mountain Dew products. Keep in mind just because a company files for a trademark, it doesn't necessarily mean anything will come of it. Anywhos one day you might just be seeing Mountain Dew Revolution, Mountain Dew Voltage, Mountain Dew Forcefield, or Mountain Dew Warrior on the shelves of your local grocer. I'm done soda geeking out for the day.
I think it's because they already know how vulnerable they are. They're lonely. And they long for touch. So as clowns, we take seriously what Jesus said in Matthew 25. I'll put this in my own words:
If a person is hungry, you feed them. If they're thirsty, you give them something to drink. And here I add my own words, if they're in need of a touch, you touch them. If they're in need of a smile, you give them a smile.
"Bindi Irwin -- that wonderfully Dark Crystal Muppet-esque daughter of the late "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin -- has entered the rap game. She performed her new single this morning on Today, a hip hop-influenced song about nature conservation, with four gay backup dancers called the Crocmen. The Crocmen! Seriously, you can't make this shit up. The chorus goes, "I'm afraid of grizzly bears/ But don't you see/ Grizzly bears should be afraid of me." Not to be totally insensitive, but isn't that the same sort of logic that got her father killed by a stingray?"
You have to click that photo to get to the site to watch it. I'm too lazy to figure out how to embed the video here.
As I was leaving Illinois for the holiday weekend, I passed by a place called Magilla's Eats and Beats. According to their sign by the side of the highway, the place is the self-proclaimed "home of the famous midget bar."
Well, that got my curiosity up so I Googled the place and yes, it's exactly what it sounds like. They have a midget-sized bar and chairs and midget bartenders and I'm sure a bunch of them go to hang out there or something...
The best part of it all...
Party till 3am with our Little Guys Fridays and Saturdays! Watch them dance on the LITTLE BAR! Every weekend they throw out Magilla's gifts for our patrons!
But that's not all they'll do...
Oddly enough, the video that ew73 posted last week has something to do with this bar ... it was linked from their home page. I think the dude in the red shirt and the chick work there or something... looks like them in the photos on the site.
I love how the smaller one scurries around. If I ever have a super power, ignoring mind-reading, telekinesis, super strength, super speed, laser beams from my eyes, channeling cosmic energies to do my evil bidding, invulnerability, immortality, and being a super genius, it would so be "scurry like a midget".
It happens, every time I have a need to read about 'tards, I go looking for the love that is the Tard Blog.
If you've not discovered or heard of this, from the description on the website:
This is a weblog written by a real life special education teacher. The
original writer, Riti Sped, has retired from teaching and is now
pursuing other interests. Her entire body of work is below, and if you
are new here I suggest you start with Riti's first story.
Also, I would strongly suggest, after acquainting yourself with some of the more interesting tards (The Old New Kid, and Augusta, for example), reading the bit from the guest contributor. This really is one of the few times I spit coke (that is, coca cola, I would never spit coke on my monitor, that shit is expensive)
NEW DELHI - A wild monkey went on a rampage in a low-income neighborhood in the Indian capital, injuring several people, most of them children, police said Monday.
Police sub-inspector Gaje Singh told The Associated Press that the attacks started late Saturday in the Shastri Park area of New Delhi, adding that it was not immediately possible to give an exact tally of the injured. Local news reports said as many as 25 people were injured.
Singh said officers were patrolling the neighborhood in search of the rogue animal.
"But the monkey hasn't been spotted yet," Singh said.
People in Shastri Park often sleep outside their homes or on open roofs to escape the heat.
Neighborhood resident Naseema, who goes by one name, carried her 1-year-old daughter into her house in attempts to escape the animal. "The monkey followed me in and buried its teeth in my baby's leg," she told the Times of India newspaper.
As New Delhi's forest cover shrinks, rhesus macaque monkeys have overrun its government buildings, temples and residential areas, occasionally biting passers-by or snatching food from them. A government official died last month when he fell from his balcony during an attack by wild monkeys.
Part of the problem is that devout Hindus believe monkeys are manifestations of the god Hanuman and feed them bananas and peanuts, encouraging them to frequent public places.
Last year, the Delhi High Court reprimanded city authorities for not doing enough to stop the animals from terrifying residents.
City authorities have experimented with using langurs -- a larger and fiercer kind of monkey -- to scare or catch the macaques, but the problem persists.
In case you've been living under a rock for the past 5 years, someone on youtube was kind enough to compile these all into one handy little bit of internet office email watercooler discussion meme.
After some debate, the affliction has been identified as a particular form of Human Papilloma Virus (HPV), combined with an as-yet unidentified immune system deficiency. HPV is not uncommon, but the rare immune deficiency in Ioan—believed to be genetic—allows the virus to take over his skin cells, which results in the bizarre branch/root-like growths on his hands and feet (officially called 'cutaneous horns'). After Ioan's story broke, a few other cases of the condition popped up, particularly the case of Dede, a man in Indonesia. Still, doctors call the rare combination of elements that lead to conditions like Ioan's to be "less than one in a million."
Yay, now some Romanian dude looks marginally less disgusting. Rejoice.
Well... he's getting married... to a female of the human species. Who'da thunk it?!
"On Saturday Oct. 7, 2007, At our favorite club "The Castle", I proposed to my wonderful Princess Dorothy/Tink. With much emotion and excitement for both of us, well, the title says it all... She Said Yes!
Unfortunately, since this news was posted on a very popular gossip site and I'm assuming it got a ton of hits, his site is currently offline due to bandwidth issues. So if you want to learn more about him, just go visit his Myspace instead. Make sure to pick up his new album while you're there.
BONUS: What happens when the Gem Sweater lady (Leslie Hall) Peter Pan up there and a few other internet "celebrities" get together to sing and dance around to promote Net Neutrality? Just watch!
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German flasher stunned lawyers during his appeal hearing on a flashing conviction by stripping off in court, authorities said Thursday.
The 60-year-old was in court to appeal against his conviction for running onto the pitch naked during a girl's soccer match and striking a range of "body builder poses," the spokesman said. (source)
Man forgets car at gas station
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man forgot his car after filling it up at a petrol station, police said Friday.
Officers contacted the 63-year-old from Remscheid, who came straight back to fetch the vehicle. He had paid to fill up the car before walking off. (source)
Bank manager gives woman loans for sex
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German bank manager gave loans to a woman for sex and then embezzled thousands of euros to buy the silence of her relatives, authorities said on Thursday.
When the man realized he could not offer the jobless woman a loan because of her poor credit history, he offered to lend her the money personally in return for sexual favors, said a spokesman for a court in the southern town of Tuebingen. (source)
Yes, I am a geek. I thought this was pretty cool, and if they do it again next year I'm going up there to see it.
"The music that you hear is coming from the sparks that these two identical high power solid state Tesla coils are generating. There are no speakers involved. The Tesla coils stand 7 feet tall and are each capable of putting out over 12 foot of spark. They are spaced about 18 feet apart. The coils are controlled over a fiber optic link by a single laptop computer. Each coil is assigned to a midi channel which it responds to by playing notes that are programed into the computer software."
This story hit close to home for me ... literally. It happened in my hometown. Man, you should have heard the women at work boo-hooing about this when it broke!
"Robert A. Schultz, the father of an infant who was mutilated by a dachshund Sunday in Waukegan was arrested Thursday and charged with child endangerment and domestic battery."
"Schultz was charged with two counts of child endangerment and one of domestic battery. Each count is a Class A misdemeanor and carries, upon conviction, a sentence of up to one year in jail or probation."
I'm pretty sure Tim has played audio from the "Strong Kids, Safe Kids" PSA -- the one with Fonzie making the "OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH" sound, also featuring the late John Ritter (my ex-boyfriend had a weird obsession with John Ritter. I am dead fucking serious). Here are some of the hilariously awkward clips.
My favorite part of "Strong Kids, Safe Kids" is the "Proper Words Song," in which some creepy-looking dude named Chris Wallace sings about the vulva and the anus and whatnot. I am desperate for a "Proper Words" soundboard so I can play "our anus" "our anus" "our anus" over and over. That could be my new voicemail greeting.
"Millions of Chinese-made toys have been pulled from shelves in North America and Australia after scientists found they contain a chemical that converts into a powerful "date rape" drug when ingested. Two children in the U.S. and three in Australia were hospitalized after swallowing the beads."
"Scientists say a chemical coating on the beads, when ingested, metabolizes into the so-called date rape drug gamma hydroxy butyrate. When eaten, the compound -- made from common and easily available ingredients -- can induce unconsciousness, seizures, drowsiness, coma and death."
Tim recently played some audio of stupid women with stupid phobias on the Maury Povich Show (which you wouldn't know unless you're a Sideshow member SIGN UP NOW WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU), and pointed out that the naughty-word beeping on Maury Povich is completely out of control. And this is true. You'd think that if the show's producers were adding fake beeps for dramatic effect, they would at least be good at it. But no, they just throw beeps in wherever, which totally distracts from retarded fat women running around, screaming and crying about pickles or crabs or whatever.
Anyway, this clip is a great example. It's kind of long, but it proves that they are beeping NOTHING. They even beep when Maury is the one talking!
I was just listening to the show, as I was helpfully collecting links and thought, "Hey! I bet that shit balloon thing memo is on The Smoking Gu..I see I am, yet again, slow." So, to save you some time, and to make me feel like I did something today (Horray! I'm helping!) I've collected some wonderful content from TSG!
So there was this sign, and like, this cheerleader and a very small percentage of injuries are caused by.. well, trampling.
Speaking of stupid broads...
And in case you're Jewish, here's some tips on how to deal with ejaculation, periods, and having sex while she's on the rag. A tip: You're gonna need to start keeping birds.
In addition to being a great show, Futurama had one of the best theme songs ever (no, I don't know why that video loops the song THREE TIMES).
Well, that song was based on a 1967 song by Pierre Henry called "Psyché Rock," which has a great wow-it's-the'60s-and-we're-doing-a-lot-of-drugs video!
Also, I realize it's a little late for Halloween, but still, an Internet Classic.
Did you know if you go on youtube and search for "leave brittany alone" you'll find like the funniest video ever. It's like this totally gay guy all sobbing and crying and shit and he's all like AND SHE'S BEEN THROUGH A DIVORCE LEAVE HER ALONE.
SYRACUSE, N.Y. - A dentist was dancing to a song on the radio while drilling on a woman's tooth, and she wound up in the hospital when the drill bit snapped off and lodged near her eye, a lawsuit alleges. Brandy Fanning, 31, said she had to undergo emergency surgery and spent three days in the hospital because of the October 2004 mishap.
...
As Trusty drilled, he was "performing rhythmical steps and movements to the song 'Car Wash,'" which was on the radio, according to the lawsuit. Then, Fanning heard a snap.
Trusty tried to use a metal hook to pull the bit out, but that only pushed it farther up, driving it through the sinus and bone near her eye socket, the lawsuit alleged.
From the people that brought you the Beerbelly... Introducing the WineRack!
Turn an A cup in to double Ds AND sport your favorite beverage for yourself and your friends! Take a bottle of wine, a mixed drink or even a fifth of your favorite hard stuff to the movies, concerts, ball games, even PTA meetings. Sporting a rack that will turn heads and serving a beverage that will have guys standing in line for a sip of your secret stash!
And when you're running on empty, just blow into the tube and fill those babies with your stanky drunk breath. All it needs now is a breathalizer attachment...
