The contestants have to eat marshmallows that are hanging from the ceiling while a rubber band is wrapped around their head and attached to the wall behind them.
I will admit, I have watched "30 Minute Meals." Two years ago, when I was visiting my parents' for Christmas in a little piece of crap town in the middle of Nowhere, USA where it was literally a fourty-five minute walk to the nearest place to get anything to eat, and the city didn't even have a Starbucks. There is actually a city in this world that does not have a Starbucks. And yes, most of the streets were paved. And no, it wasn't in Zimbabwe or Tanzania.
In this environment, you do what you must to survive. After my dick was worn out from constant masturbation (and god, it is akward doing it in your parents' house after so many years, not using to being quiet anymore), I flipped on the television, and got to decide, "Cartoon Network or Food Network?" Cartoon network was airing some horrible Christmastime Scooby Doo bullshit.
I hoped for Alton Brown. I got Rachael Ray. Never before in my life have I learned to hate someone so much for such petty things. I can carry everything in one trip! (I silently hoped she'd fall and die) or "Always wash your vegetables when you bring them home!" (Bitch, you're like Martha, shut up) and "Oh, I just eyeball it." (NOT HELPFUL ADVICE WHORE).
I could so do Tim's job. And in celebration of my triumphant return from the abyss, I have collected some of my favorite clips on YouTube. Remember, if you're not a member of the Sideshow, sign up now! $5 a month or $50 a year! It's like getting two months free!
Without further ado, a series of links. Because I lack Tim's amazing ability to talk about amazingly gay things, instead, I give you:
Everyone's seen the horrible mother, right? The child's fat has saved him, and no harm came to anyone. Praise Jesus! As a counterpoint, these godless asians, who I might add, are all skinny, got their comeuppance!
