A man in Canada has been jailed for approaching seven different women and asking them to kick him in the groin.
Jarrett Loft, 28, of Guelph, Ontario, approached the women over a
period in April and May last year, requesting that they kick him in the
groin.
One woman, who said she
was scared of what Loft would do if she refused, complied, kicking him
repeatedly in the privates. Loft then thanked her, and cycled away on
his bike. Which can't have been easy, given that he'd just been kicked
in the nads.
Thanks to Florida's law about nips, somebody had to do some Photoshop magic on a billboard of half-nude men who get paid to get sweaty, wear spandex, yell at each other, and roll around on the ground together.
I can only hope this leads to a law where guys at beaches and pools in Florida have to put little round Band-Aids on their nipples or they'll be fined. Hello Kitty Band-Aids are so hot.
A man who told police he had been raped by a wombat has, perhaps not surprisingly, failed to substantiate his claim in court.
The 48-year-old orchard worker pleaded guilty to a charge of "using a
phone for a fictitious purpose", after calling police with the
startling message: "I've been raped by a wombat."
Not only did he make up the wombat rape story, but the New Zealander
also insisted the trauma of the attack had left him "speaking
Australian".
In a follow-up call, he made the wombat claim - and demanded immediate
help from officers, only to call back shortly afterwards asking to drop
the complaint.
He told the operator: "I'll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he's pulled out."
"Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know, I didn't hurt my bum at all," he added.
My first contribution: tabla drumming. If you're a Tool fan or have ever been in a store that smells of incense and B.O. where the cashiers are named "Star" and "Raven Moonstorm," then you've heard tabla playing. I've actually had lessons, and it's pretty cool because you use different parts of your hand to make the different sounds. And apparently being brown and smelling of curry means you can do it crazy fast, too.
So here's some tabla drumming.
Now, on the whiter side of things, the hammered dulcimer. If you've been in a store that smells of unvarnished pine and old people, where the cashiers are named "Star" and "Raven Moonstorm," then you've heard a hammered dulcimer.
Today, we introduce freaks to good things. Not fucked up things. No shit, or abortions, or deaths, or stories about idiots from Florida, or cumshots, or porno bloopers, or pets eating babies, or babies eating pets, or babies being microwaved, or naked elderly men driving into produce stands, or glitter for your vagina, and so on and so forth.
Today, music!
No, really. I'm serious. Pretend it's educational. I feel like I shouldn't link to someone with a rabid case of the ..runs.. on Jesus' second birthday. Anway, yeah. Music. Not just any music, though. No Beethoven here! Instead, we take a tour of a few strange instruments in the world, children. Jesus didn't play any of these (Jews don't play musical instruments, you know). I'd introduce you all to the theramin, but I'm sure you've heard of it before. It's a wacky Russian instrument that you "play" by waving your hands around without touching it. It uses Science. Here's a couple links to a guy that's pretty good at it. The Legend of Zelda, that song from Amalie, and finally, remember how I said no Beethoven? How about Rachmaninov, then. You may have heard it before.
Next up, a Hang drum. What's a Hang drum, you ask? It's sort of like a steel drum. Except cooler. Much cooler. And you can't buy one. To wit:
Taiko? It's drumming! It's Japanese (mostly) drumming! Or Chinese. Whatever. Oriental. Asian? Drums! Just watch.
I can't link directly to this video, but, if you are 18 or over, I recommend that you go to XTube's video section and search for "Cream of Wheat." And watch it the whole way through. Trust me.
Perhaps I am giving myself away here. Perhaps people reading this will finally be able to attach my sekret internet alias to my real life name (all they had to do was ask). Anyway, there's a coworker whom being around is a trial. The person is.. irritating.
When this person leaves at the end of their shift, I, the other day, turned to another coworker and said of the person leaving that it was "like taking a really good shit. You're just sitting there and suddenly all relaxed after like 6 hours of anal contractions."
What does this have to do with a blog about DV? Shit, of course. To commemorate, I have collected some videos.
This man can fart out the entire Super Mario Brothers theme. With his hands, sadly.
Health officials in the Philippines have issued a warning to people taking part in Easter crucifixion rituals. They have urged them to get tetanus vaccinations before they flagellate
themselves and are nailed to crosses, and to practise good hygiene.
The health department has strongly advised penitents to check the
condition of the whips they plan to use to lash their backs, the Manila
Times newspaper reports.
They want people to have what they call "well-maintained" whips.
In the hot and dusty atmosphere, officials warn, using unhygienic whips
to make deep cuts in the body could lead to tetanus and other
infections.
And they advise that the nails used to fix people to crosses must be
properly disinfected first. Often people soak the nails in alcohol
throughout the year.
Hajji, of Hackney, east London, had concealed a $12,000 engagement ring inside a helium balloon. The idea was that she would pop the balloon as he popped the question.
But as he left the shop, a gust of wind pulled the balloon from his hand and he watched the ring -- and quite possibly the affections of his girlfriend -- sailing away over the rooftops.
The best part of the entire story, though? And why we find out this woman is a raging Cuntilla the Hun?
"But I had to tell her the story -- she went absolutely mad. Now she is refusing to speak to me until I get her a new ring."
...a fully clothed burglar tried to break into the
house of 69-year-old Wayne Boniface. By the time Mr. Boniface had
finished with him, the burglar was fleeing into the night as naked as
they day he was born.
Mr. Boniface says that he
and his wife, Kathie, found the man in their home when they returned
home from eating out on Thursday. When the burglar tried to grab his
wife, Mr Boniface says he started wrestling with him.
According to Boniface, he had the man on the ground, in the kitchen, in
a headlock. At this point, the man's shirt got ripped off in the
scuffle.
Then, said Mr. Boniface: 'He tried to get away
and I bent him over the rail on our deck... I had my hands down his
pants and grabbed his testicles and penis. He squirmed even harder.'
'His head was down over the railing, and in
today's world, pants are worn fairly loose. I pulled his pants, and his
pants and underpants and shoes came completely off. He was completely
nude.'
It's late on a warm Thursday night in April, and William Windsor heads to the checkout stand at the Fry's supermarket at 20th Street and Highland Avenue, in central Phoenix.
Customers and cashiers stare at the 5-foot-11, 180-pound man, who is dressed in a pink bonnet, pink shorty dress, and white patent leather shoes. Gold heart-shaped earrings twinkle beneath his carefully curled hair. Under his dress, you can see his diaper. He takes his place in line with a carry-all basket full of juice and Gerber baby food.
"Oh shit! It's Baby Man," says one cashier, a Hispanic kid who's heard the legend but has never been a witness to the spectacle. "It's like Sasquatch!" he says. "You don't believe it exists until you see it."
In what is surely the strongest signal yet that the world's economy is healthy and talk of an impending depression is piffle, someone has offered more than $1,000 on eBay for a piece of breakfast cereal that - its sellers claim - looks like the state of Illinois.
From the Astronomy Picture of the Day (an excellent website that I pimp any chance I can get), we see a picture of the recent shuttle launch. I shall shamelessly copy the description.
Endeavour to Orbit Credit & Copyright: James N. Brown
Explanation: Birds don't fly as high. Airplanes don't go as fast. The Statue of Liberty weighs less. No species other than human can even comprehend what is going on, nor could any human just a millennium ago. The launch of a rocket bound for space is an event that inspires awe and challenges description. The exhaust column pictured is from the Space Shuttle Endeavour after last week's night launch to visit the International Space Station. Endeavour's rocket engines create the dramatic glow from above the clouds. From a standing start, the two million kilogram rocket ship left to circle the Earth where the outside air is too thin to breathe and where there is little noticeable onboard gravity. Rockets bound for space are now launched from somewhere on Earth about once a week.
Now for funny kittenz story time. When that song first came out (2001), I was convinced that the song repeated area codes. So I did the only logical thing: I listened to the song over and over and wrote down every single area code mentioned. And he doesn't repeat a one!
Now the full list is, of course, available on Wikipedia, because it's run by OCD nerds with Asperger's.
Bonus kittenz trivia: I have phone numbers in two of the area codes.
People have begun to visit a small rural village in Northern India to worship a baby born with two faces. She was born just two days ago. Word spread quickly among villagers about the newborn baby girl. The baby is seen as an incarnation of God and people make offerings and ask for the baby's blessing.
I've been having Komputer Problems lately, and haven't had time to look for something delightfully fucked up for ya'll in a bit. So, because I feel like I should contribute from time to time, here I present you with some people getting hit in the nuts.
Deputies said a woman in western Kansas sat on
her boyfriend's toilet for two years, and they're investigating whether
she was mistreated.
Ness
County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said a man called his office last month to
report that something was wrong with his girlfriend.
Whipple
said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown
around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but
was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed
to be checked out at a hospital.
...
Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants
down to her mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs
looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.
Source I wonder if she ever flushed in those two years...
Sometimes TheShocker apologizes to me for the 1970s, which is good of him. After all, I grew up in the 1980s, and we all know how stylish and classy they were (it's the 80s! Do a lot of coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!).
I think it's just fucking great when young people get involved in social and political issues. I mean, that shit is awesome! It's about fucking time someone took a stance on an issue that really fucking matters to our world. Even if that someone is a 14-year-old cunt!* Too bad we just missed motherfucking cuss-free week; Timmy could've promoted the hell out of it on the show! Jeebus knows Distorted View's target audience could fucking benefit from a little washing-out of their shit-stained mouths!
* Yes, in the grand DV tradition, I'm mocking a child.
I don't think I can link directly to the Uncle Dirty photo essay by Mike Belleme because it contains NSFW photos, but if you were to Google it, I'm sure you'd find it very quickly. And I highly recommend you do. Especially if you like extremely old men in thongs and retarded old women with cancer of the face.
And, I'm sure you'll all agree, this is the greatest site on the Internet. As IRC regular BK said, HYPNOTOAD HYPNOTOAD HYPNOTOAD HYPNOTOAD HYPNOTOAD HYPNOTOAD HYPNOTOAD HYPNOTOAD
Anyway, the important part of Easter isn't some crap about some dead Jew being nailed to a piece of wood and then coming back as a soul-sucking zombie that wants your love. No. It's about the Easter Bunny and Cadbury eggs and, of all things, peeps.
Everyone knows peeps! The marshmallowy sugar-coated treats you can buy by the dozen. They'll send you into a hyperglycemic fit and probably kill your diabetic grandma (you can always claim ignorance).
I'm from Portland. One of our claims to fame (aside from amazing beer) is more strip clubs, per capita, than any other U.S. city. To that end, I give you:
Lampposts on East London's Brick Lane have today been wrapped up in padding to protect Britain's clumsy texters.
The renowned capital curry haunt has been highlighted as the most
dangerous place for mobile phone users to be texting with Londoners
frequently picking up injuries ranging from bruises to fractured bones.
Brick Lane has now become the first 'Safe Text' street in the UK, with
rugby post-like cushioning put around the 10 of the road's
higher-than-average number of lampposts.
First to all the people that tried to masturbate to the hot chick listening to her iPod. That was rude of me. Here's another youtube video. It's sort of a classic. And to prove that I'm not an asshole (this time), I'll even embed it so you can see that Rick is no where to be found.
