That's when Jesus died!  Wait, sorry.

That's when Jesus died :( :( :(

Anyway, the important part of Easter isn't some crap about some dead Jew being nailed to a piece of wood and then coming back as a soul-sucking zombie that wants your love.  No.  It's about the Easter Bunny and Cadbury eggs and, of all things, peeps. 

Everyone knows peeps!  The marshmallowy sugar-coated treats you can buy by the dozen.  They'll send you into a hyperglycemic fit and probably kill your diabetic grandma (you can always claim ignorance).

I'm from Portland.  One of our claims to fame (aside from amazing beer) is more strip clubs, per capita, than any other U.S. city.  To that end, I give you: