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One has to wonder what type of people shop at dollar stores. I mean, they've got such random inventory. It's impossible to say, "We're out of hummus, I'm off to The Dollar Cove", because the store could have hummus...but they probably won't. There's never a product that's consistently in-stock (besides candles with religious-inspired artwork and porcelain frogs). My best guesstimation is that the average Dollar Store Shopper is also the typical Thrift/Flea Market/Payless Shoe Source shopper. These are the same type of people where you go over their house and they offer you Food Club soda products. Gross, right?   Never been to a dollar store? Live vicariously through me as I showcase a few gems I found at one of my local establishments.   Today's Installment: Pretty -n- Silky Children's Creme Relaxer      The first thing you notice about Pretty -N- Silky Creme Relaxer is that they've got the world's ugliest child on the box. Common to Dollar Store products, ugly people on boxes apparently translates to !!BIG SALES!! in the world of clearance retail.      When applying dangerous chemicals to your scalp, It's important to first read warnings for pertinent information you may not be aware of:         I think we should take a minute and talk about priorities. While relaxing ones hair may result in a pleasant look and admiration from friends and family, if you've got an open head wound, put the hair thing on the back-burner.   Ted's going to have to sit this one out.           HOLY MOTHER FUCKING CHRIST !!! TELL ME THAT YOU APPLIED NUTRIENTSHEEN! NOOO!!!!!         And to your right, Brandi here is illustrating what happens when you forget Nurientsheen: you go retarded. An important lesson has been learned: don't forget Nurientsheen. Horrible, nasty things happen when you forget Nurientsheen. Just ask Ted.       You know what Pretty -N- Silky Relaxer is lacking? A celebrity cross-promotion. Let's take a minute and pray to the deity Nokitu (the evil, twin headed pagan goddess of Product Marketing).       All Hail the powerful Nokitu! Please, give Pretty -N- Silky the celebrity endorsement it so rightfully deserves.   Nokitu was great in Billboard Dad, BTW.   B2K To The B2Res-Q! Boy, do they look PISSED. I hope B2K fired their manager after they found out about this promotion.       Will Tim End Up using Pretty-N-Silky? Only Time will tell. (Yep, that's really me from 2003-ish)        I can't figure out if B2K's star is rising or falling. I don't think I've ever heard any of their songs. Of course there are so many music acts that have similar names, I can't keep them straight. B2K, BBMak, Mak-N-Cheez, Chedda-Fry, Fry Club 7..etc. Welcome to 2001 again. My head is spinning. I can't believe the band OK'ed this deal, though.   "You're going to be huge! You're face is going to be plastered on every African American chemical hair product in AMERICA! CA-CHING"              1) $1,000 in LA will get you dinner at McDonalds, a night at the Howard Johnson, and an hour with "Trent" who keeps telling you "anything goes, buddy.." but really just means a hand-job sans lubricant.         2) "Be an extra in a B2K music video" - Really means: you get a split-second of camera time probably doing something insanely stupid. "I'm Mall Girl Number 2 tying her shoes on the escalator". Not exactly essential to the plot. But I find it hard to believe B2K videos have much of plot to begin with.        3) Notice there is nothing in the contest description  that indicates that you'd be spending any sort of time with B2K. Oh sure, you'll be in LA with them, but let's face it: LA is a pretty big place. I'm venturing to guess the boys will try to avoid the Gas-N-Sleep the Prett-N-Silky people put you up in.     Conclusion...       We learned that Esther Rolles' child is doing some light modeling. We also learned that Nokitu starred in 90's beloved sitcom Full House. Oh, and B2K sold out to RELAXING CREME. They must totally get shit from Chedda Fry over that one.     Finally we learned the most important lesson of all: APPLY NUTRIENTSHEEN!!