|
Distorted View Daily Podcast:
Scouring the darkest
corners of the web in search of the truly bizarre every weekday.
Click Here! It's Free! |
|
|
Recently in Fucktards Category
Phnom Penh - A Cambodian father and mechanic learned the hard way
not to inflate children when he inserted an air hose designed to fill
car tires into his 5-year-old son's anus and blew him up, local media
reported on Thursday.
The Khmer-language Rasmei Kampuchea daily reported Try Sienghym was
"playing" with his son Sok Sambo when the incident took place.
The paper said the child's stomach became distended and his concerned
mother rushed him to hospital, where he remains in a stable condition
and is expected to make a full recovery.
"The father very much regrets playing like this now," the paper quoted a family member as saying. Police were not expected to take action against the father, blaming the
incident on pure stupidity, against which there is currently no law. Source
Benton County Inmate Says He's Not Getting Enough FoodMan Files Suit After Weight Drops From 413 Pounds To 308 PoundsFAYETTEVILLE - A Benton County inmate claims he's wasted
away from 413 pounds to 308 in the eight months he's been in jail and
he's making a federal case out of it.
Broderick Lloyd Laswell
filed a prisoner civil rights lawsuit, without a lawyer, Friday in U.S.
District Court in Fayetteville. He claims the jail doesn't provide
inmates with enough food.
"On several occasions I have started
to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was
going to pass out," Laswell wrote in his complaint. "About an hour
after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry
again."
Laswell claims he's lost about a half-pound a day.
"If
we are in a small pod all day do next to nothing for physical exercise
we should not lose weight," according to Laswell. "The only reason we
lost weight in here is because we are literally are being starved to
death."
Laswell further complains the portion sizes vary.
"There
are noticeable differences on the size of biscuits and cakes, as well
as the sides," according to Laswell, who also wants hot meals to be
served from the jail's kitchen. Source
Police in Cincinnati say it wasn't hard apprehending
the criminal masterminds behind a break-in at a downtown sweet shop -
because a helpful trail of candy and discarded wrappers led them
directly to suspects.
Four people have been charged with breaking and entering. One of the four also has been charged with child endangering.
Police say 19-year-old
Christine Ruther had her 7-week-old daughter with her when she and
three others broke into Peter Minges & Son candy store Thursday.
They are accused of taking about $400 worth of sweets. Source
I read this story elsewhere today (although I can't remember where), and apparently this Mother of the Week used her baby's stroller to load up with the candy. I'm suddenly craving M&Ms....
From engadget:
A man in Tulsa accidentally poisoned himself while using mercury to "extract gold from computer parts."
These are amazing. Thanks to TheShocker.
Thanks to Florida's law about nips, somebody had to do some Photoshop magic on a billboard of half-nude men who get paid to get sweaty, wear spandex, yell at each other, and roll around on the ground together. I can only hope this leads to a law where guys at beaches and pools in Florida have to put little round Band-Aids on their nipples or they'll be fined. Hello Kitty Band-Aids are so hot.
Health officials in the Philippines have issued a warning to people taking part in Easter crucifixion rituals. They have urged them to get tetanus vaccinations before they flagellate
themselves and are nailed to crosses, and to practise good hygiene.
The health department has strongly advised penitents to check the
condition of the whips they plan to use to lash their backs, the Manila
Times newspaper reports.
They want people to have what they call "well-maintained" whips.
In the hot and dusty atmosphere, officials warn, using unhygienic whips
to make deep cuts in the body could lead to tetanus and other
infections.
And they advise that the nails used to fix people to crosses must be
properly disinfected first. Often people soak the nails in alcohol
throughout the year. Source
Hajji, of Hackney, east London, had concealed a $12,000 engagement ring inside a helium balloon. The idea was that she would pop the balloon as he popped the question.
But as he left the shop, a gust of wind pulled the balloon from his hand and he watched the ring -- and quite possibly the affections of his girlfriend -- sailing away over the rooftops.
The best part of the entire story, though? And why we find out this woman is a raging Cuntilla the Hun?
"But I had to tell her the story -- she went absolutely mad. Now she is refusing to speak to me until I get her a new ring."
Source: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080314/od_nm/engagement_dc
...a fully clothed burglar tried to break into the
house of 69-year-old Wayne Boniface. By the time Mr. Boniface had
finished with him, the burglar was fleeing into the night as naked as
they day he was born.
Mr. Boniface says that he
and his wife, Kathie, found the man in their home when they returned
home from eating out on Thursday. When the burglar tried to grab his
wife, Mr Boniface says he started wrestling with him. According to Boniface, he had the man on the ground, in the kitchen, in
a headlock. At this point, the man's shirt got ripped off in the
scuffle.
Then, said Mr. Boniface: 'He tried to get away
and I bent him over the rail on our deck... I had my hands down his
pants and grabbed his testicles and penis. He squirmed even harder.'
'His head was down over the railing, and in
today's world, pants are worn fairly loose. I pulled his pants, and his
pants and underpants and shoes came completely off. He was completely
nude.' Source
I think it's just fucking great when young people get involved in social and political issues. I mean, that shit is awesome! It's about fucking time someone took a stance on an issue that really fucking matters to our world. Even if that someone is a 14-year-old cunt!* Too bad we just missed motherfucking cuss-free week; Timmy could've promoted the hell out of it on the show! Jeebus knows Distorted View's target audience could fucking benefit from a little washing-out of their shit-stained mouths!
* Yes, in the grand DV tradition, I'm mocking a child.
WTF, Britain.Lampposts on East London's Brick Lane have today been wrapped up in padding to protect Britain's clumsy texters.
The renowned capital curry haunt has been highlighted as the most
dangerous place for mobile phone users to be texting with Londoners
frequently picking up injuries ranging from bruises to fractured bones.
Brick Lane has now become the first 'Safe Text' street in the UK, with
rugby post-like cushioning put around the 10 of the road's
higher-than-average number of lampposts.
These children have given me reason to despise everyone not in my specific age bracket. How sad and pathetic.
I could so do Tim's job. And in celebration of my triumphant return from the abyss, I have collected some of my favorite clips on YouTube. Remember, if you're not a member of the Sideshow, sign up now! $5 a month or $50 a year! It's like getting two months free! Without further ado, a series of links. Because I lack Tim's amazing ability to talk about amazingly gay things, instead, I give you:
ew73's List of People Throwing Up On YouTube
That was fun. Everyone's seen the horrible mother, right? The child's fat has saved him, and no harm came to anyone. Praise Jesus! As a counterpoint, these godless asians, who I might add, are all skinny, got their comeuppance!
This isn't your Comcast Hi-Speed Internet connection being re-branded. No, this is an entirely different @home product. LASIK@Home. I'm not sure if this is a prank or not, but either way, there's a great gem on the "Four Easy Steps" page. I point you to sage advice from the LASIK@Home crew: 
Tired of prankster kids stealing baby Jesus from the family's outdoor nativity each year, Dina Cellini of Bal Harbour, Florida installed a GPS unit in the statue. Bolting it down didn't work, apparently.
"We may need to rely on technology to save our savior,'' said Cellini.
The GPS came in handy few days ago when they noticed that Jesus was missing from his nativity. The old GPS tracker was fired up, and they started walking. They didn't have to walk far though; the GPS unit lead them to a house across the street.
Deputies showed up at the door Thursday morning and hauled off the 18-year-old female culprit with a charge of grand theft. The statue is valued at $800, while the GPS system rings up at $400, and the girl is currently in jail with bail set at $3,000.
Here's the chick that stole poor little Jesus:
A DV Listener sent this craigslist post in: 
In case you are unaware, Slamball is what a bunch of trampoline-addicted dipshits thought of doing when someone moved a basketball hoop near their backyard trampoline. Roughly, it involved trampolines AND basketballs. It's X-TREME. X-TREME SLAMBALL, next up on FOX! But first, we'll tell YOU how to protect YOUR FAMILY against sex offender vegetables and how your next visit to the produce aisle, COULD BE YOUR LAST. Stay tuned! Anyway, a gallery of slamball moments, from youtube. The classic one, complete with slamball crybaby. "Um. Somebody get someone." (no one does) Good. Jump. Touch the rim. Jump, touch the rim. Good. Good. Jump, touch, jump, touch, jump, be a retard.The approach is flawless. The form is perfection incarnate. The jump is arching wonderfully. The spin is done with a flair.. there's just.. something.. missing. pwned.
It happens, every time I have a need to read about 'tards, I go looking for the love that is the Tard Blog. If you've not discovered or heard of this, from the description on the website:
This is a weblog written by a real life special education teacher. The
original writer, Riti Sped, has retired from teaching and is now
pursuing other interests. Her entire body of work is below, and if you
are new here I suggest you start with Riti's first story.
Also, I would strongly suggest, after acquainting yourself with some of the more interesting tards (The Old New Kid, and Augusta, for example), reading the bit from the guest contributor. This really is one of the few times I spit coke (that is, coca cola, I would never spit coke on my monitor, that shit is expensive)
You thought the dirt-flavored stuff was bad? Now you can enjoy a Christmas ham and wash it down with .. ham soda. Oddly, it's kosher. This is almost as bad as Marcy. And Marcy needs to be stopped. Also, you are not ready for this jelly. Also, your new name is Harmonia and we have an electrified fence. And speaking of weiners, Frankfurter Spectacular!
Flasher strips off in court
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German flasher stunned lawyers during his appeal hearing on a flashing conviction by stripping off in court, authorities said Thursday.
The 60-year-old was in court to appeal against his conviction for running onto the pitch naked during a girl's soccer match and striking a range of "body builder poses," the spokesman said. (source)
Man forgets car at gas station
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man forgot his car after filling it up at a petrol station, police said Friday.
Officers contacted the 63-year-old from Remscheid, who came straight back to fetch the vehicle. He had paid to fill up the car before walking off. (source)
Bank manager gives woman loans for sex
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German bank manager gave loans to a woman for sex and then embezzled thousands of euros to buy the silence of her relatives, authorities said on Thursday.
When the man realized he could not offer the jobless woman a loan because of her poor credit history, he offered to lend her the money personally in return for sexual favors, said a spokesman for a court in the southern town of Tuebingen. (source)
London Bridges, Falling Up falling up, falling up... And by "London Bridges" I mean "a near-dead." And by "falling up" I mean "sadly evading death's cold, icy grip"
Patient says dancing dentist misstepped
SYRACUSE, N.Y. - A dentist was dancing to a song on the radio while drilling on a woman's tooth, and she wound up in the hospital when the drill bit snapped off and lodged near her eye, a lawsuit alleges. Brandy Fanning, 31, said she had to undergo emergency surgery and spent three days in the hospital because of the October 2004 mishap.
...
As Trusty drilled, he was "performing rhythmical steps and movements to the song 'Car Wash,'" which was on the radio, according to the lawsuit. Then, Fanning heard a snap.
Trusty tried to use a metal hook to pull the bit out, but that only pushed it farther up, driving it through the sinus and bone near her eye socket, the lawsuit alleged.
Hahaha, "Car Wash"? What a homo! (source)
Cheryl Merkowski (Honayyyeeee) sent this bit of news to me:
While there may not be a ShitTube yet, there is SmellyPoop.Com where you can take pics of your shit and share noteworthy craps with the world. Best feature: Electronic Shit Greeting Cards.
We all know Chris Crocker, right? Careless fairy of LEAVE BRITNEY ALOWNE fame, previously of "spiritually, we are more than brothers" fame.
Well, I'm not saying that if you clicked here you would see his DICK AN' NUTZ... I'm just saying that if you were going to click there, you might not want to do so at work. Or with children in the room. Or if you have a serious aversion to gingham.
We've got a lady fat-man here, my freaks. In this video she states she doesn't WANT to eat the rest of her Taco Bell, but she knows we're all cheering her on. Dip it in that cheese sauce, fatty.
|
