January 2005 Archives
Greetings! Hope you freaks had a great weekend! I got a few E-mails wondering how many people are subscribing to Distorted View Daily. It's kind of hard to tell, but it looks to be in the 400-500 range, which isn't bad for being about a month old. A few internet radio stations are also playing the show. Of course if you have a website/podcast and want to swap links, I'm all for it. E-mail me.
On Today's Show:
-Cruel, unusual, and hilarious ways to hurt the elderly!
-If you ever find yourself buried in snow, learn how to piss your way to freedom.
-Angelina Jolie's special present to Brad Pitt. And yes, it's as creepy as you'd imagine.
Enjoy the show, and we'll be back tomorrow!
Listen Now: Distorted View Daily 1/31/05
On today's show:
- Cockfighting! It's staged to make a comeback if some crazy nutjob from Oklahoma has anything to do about it
- Ring tones are annoying! What we need are porn stars to record fake sex sounds for mobile phones. The future is here with Moan Tones, featuring the orgasmic stylings of Jenna Jameson.
- Watching porno on the school bus: What do 8th graders think of Bukkake Bonanza IV?
- For the pervert on-the-go: A Driver Thru Strip Club! It's up for sale on EBay.
Enjoy the show, and we'll see you back on Monday to start a whole new week of Distorted Views!
-Tim (Email Me)
Listen Now: Distorted View Daily: 1/28/05
Hey freaks!
Back here with the Thursday show! Remember, if you run across a funny or strange news story, send it my way! I'm always looking for good pieces to read.
On Today's Show:
-Poisoning your parents
-Feeding your employee to lions
-Putting out the fire between your legs
Plus, a visit to the Distorted View Update desk, and a brand new Access Entertainment Today Hollywood Report Extra feature.
Enjoy!
-Tim
Listen Now: Distorted View Daily: 1/27/05
P.S. The closing music today is a clip from one of my favorite bands brand new CD. If you like the music, check out July For Kings, and their new EP Nostalgia. It's Rawks.
Hey freaks! We're back with a brand new podcast for ya!
On Today's Show:
-Why you shouldn't give an axe to a crazy man during Sunday School.
-A Chinese man who pimped out his wife to compete with Yahoo Personals.
-I guess "sheep brains" are what's hidden in "Hidden Valley Ranch". The secret has been revealed!
Enjoy!
-Tim
Listen Now: Distorted View Daily 1/26/05
Hey freaks! Today we're playing a Best-Of Show from 2002 when Distorted View Daily was heard on 1-800 Telephone service TellMe. Hope you enjoy this blast from the past! We should be back tommorow with an all-new episode for ya!
On Today's Show
-Cutting off your man's foreskin as an act of revenge
-Sex toys are again lega in Alabama!! Get your dong on!
-Gay airdressing politicians! Passing legislation and looking faaaabulous!
Enjoy the show!
Listen Now: Distorted View Daily 1/25/05
On Today's Show:
-The Scud missile goes to the highest bidder!
-How many vibrators does it take to satisfy a shop lifter?
-The story of one drunk who wouldn't take "last call" for an answer
-Sexually aroused by surgical masks? You're not alone (but still a freak)
Enjoy the show, and we'll back tommorow!
-Tim
Listen Now: Distorted View Daily: 01/24/05
The mystery of my stolen car has been solved. If you've been following this aspect of my life, tune in to the shocking conclusion! In addition to this,
On Today's Show:
-Robbing an adult store for a blow-up sex doll.
-Home castration! With the Internet, it's now possible!
-A penis-pumping judge! Taking more than just the law into his own hands.
Plus, new music from one of my favorite bands, July For Kings! Buy their new Album Nostalgia now!
See you on Monday!
-tim
Listen Now: Distorted View Daily: 1/21/05
P.S. I had to edit out the July For Kings link because it was messing up the MP3 enclosure.
Hey freaks! Thanks for checking out the podcast! It's a good one today, and that's a Tim Henson Promise(tm). The links still aren't working because I've been busy all this week glued to VH-1's I Love The 90's with my friends as we sip on quintessential 90's alcoholic beverage Zima. It's NNASSSTY but I wouldn't have it any other way.
On Today's Show:
-How horny are you? Let a machine help you out with that one.
-Why snorting cocaine off of a lubed toilet seat is not a good idea anymore.
-A Distorted View Update! Remember the nail-through-the-skull guy? If so, you don't want to miss today's podcast!
Enjoy!
Listen Now: Distorted View Daily 1/20/05
Back here for your hump day show! What else can I say?
On Today's Show:
-Killing your mother with the help of your neighbors pit bulls. While I read this on the show I realized it isn't so much funny as it is tragic. And we all have a good chuckle over that.
-Which celebrity is afraid of butterflies? It's all in this week's Distorted View Access Entertainment Hollywood Report Tonight Today!
-How fast is your sperm? It could win you a brand Porsche! Masturbation has never been this profitable!
Enjoy the show!
-Tim
Listen NOW: Distorted View Daily: 1/19/05
Hey Freaks!
Website update: I guess on some computers the page looks like crap, while on others it looks pretty good. So, I'll be tweaking the site's nipples during the next few days, getting the links (finally) working, and making it pretty for all to see! Now let's get to the important stuff!
On Today's Show:
-More evidence supporting the theory that spitting is always better than swallowing.
-Some people want to be on TV, but one man was found INSIDE a TV.
-Furries: cuddly sex freaks! Learn all about this creepy fetish!
Please audio E-mail and a stolen car update! Enjoy the stupidity!
-Tim
Listen Now: Distorted View Daily: 1/18/05
Welcome back, everybody! Hope you all had a great weekend. I haven't had any takers on our "Buy Tim A Brand New Car" contest, so I have to urge all of you to enter the drawing...and enter quickly. I need a car. Or a scooter (electric)
On Today's Show:
-How could you possibly get a nail stuck in your own skull? It's not as hard as you might think. Listen in to this How-To tutorial.
-Grandma is suffering...FROM REEFER MADNESS! Pot smoking old people! You can't make this shit up.
-The US Military wants its enemies to be gay...and we're talking GAY.
Enjoy the show and we'll see you back tommorow!
-Tim
Listen To: Distorted View Daily: 01/17/05
It's the big Friday show and boy is it a doozey!
On Today's Show:
-DV NEWS FLASH: People are allowed to have sex in Sweden. Specifically loud, rocking, tit-slapping, stinky sex. Swedish sex is nnnnaaughty.
-Abe Lincoln is a homosexual! It's true becuase some author says it is. Oh, and Distorted View has the original audio recording of the Gettysburg Address.
-Sperm is wanted at Australia clinics due to a shortage. Who are they turning to? Politicans.
All of this, plus by request, DV's very own Joe Donatone.
Enjoy, and see you on Monday!
-Tim
Listen To: Distorted View Daily 01/14/05
What a day. It was awful. Listen to the show to learn all about my crappy life! Despite my grave misfortunes, I'm back with another dose of Distorted View for you!
On Today's Show:
-Police shock the shit out of a nude jogger after repeated attempts of apprehending him
-Granny seals her eyes shut when she picked up a glue bottle instead of eye drops
-Midgets on scooters! NUDE!
Enjoy!
-Tim
Listen To: Distorted View Daily: 01/13/05
Hey Freaks!
The week is just rolling right along, and Distorted View is here to document some of the world's stupidity that you probably haven't heard about:
On Todays Show:
- Pig Roasting in your house. Sure, it sounds like a good idea, but tune in to today's show to hear why it might be wise to char your animal carcass outside instead.
- A high-speed chase that'll make you want to pop in a .38 Special CD and jam to Hold On Loosely.
- We all know German prostitutes are giving individuals, but now they're opening their hearts and legs to the Tsunami victims.
And on a sad note, because I'm running out of alloted diskspace on my provider's server, older shows are being deleted off the system. This means you won't be able to hear some of the older programs until they pop up as a Best-Of Show.
If anyone out there has a fast server and plenty of diskspace and would like to host our mp3's, please E-mail me.
Enjoy the show!
-Tim
Listen To: Distorted View Daily:1/12/05
Hey freaks!
Check out the new page! Pretty snazzy, huh? Yeah, well, the links don't work. So don't try clicking on any of the navigation pages, because you'll get a big fat 404 error. Give me a day or two to iron it all out. Now for the impoart stuff:
On Todays Distorted View Daily:
-Medical equipment can suck you into the vortex of doom! It's true (kind of) and I'll tell you how it happens! It's News You Can Use(tm)
-What happens when you live in a small house and have 50 cats, plus dogs and other assorted critters? You get an awful odor...and busted by police
-Porn movies played all over an Internation Airport! Now that's what I call a lay-over! Ba-Dum-Bum.
All this plus more of your E-mails! It's all happening today on DV! Dowload it now, regret it later!
Heya Freaks!
It's Monday. I know, I know, it sucks. Most likely it's the start of the work or school week for you, but fear not! Uncle Tim is here with another daily dose of DV for you to help turn that frown upside down...or at least to take that 9mm out of your mouth.
On Today's Show:
- A beached whale causes a massive disturbance and an interesting money-making oppurtunity. And no, Kirstie Alley isn't out and about promoting her new TV show "Fat Actress"
- What do naked elderly men and shopping carts have in common?
- Pretending to have cancer to receive sympathy and Oxycontin.
Enjoy! And keep those cameras rolling!
-Tim
It's Friday! Everybody is working for the weekend, baby. Not me, though. We don't do shows on the weekend. So this is all you get until Monday.
On Today's Show:
-Don't use your toilet brush on yourself
-Rat Posion your way to lead-cashier
-Tough love for your troubled teen now includes a hammer to the skull
Enjoy the weekend, and dont forget to tell your friends about the podcast!
xoxo
-tim
Hey Freaks,
Back with yet another dose of daily distortion for you! Enjoy the madness!
Coming up on today's show:
-Secret dangers of the fast food industry
-Why does that man have kitchen utensils in his anus?
-Condoms (of the "USED" variety) in the mail
-Marrying a dead person for fun and profit
All of this, plus my home-made spicy picante sauce recipe.
Enjoy!
Hey freaks, welcome to Tuesday! Settle in for a brand new episode of Distorted View.
On Today's Show:
-Finger-Eating
-Hot Dog Prostitution
-Tits The Season To Be Jolly
-Mike Tyson Lite
Want to know what the hell I'm talking about? It's all explained on this episode of DV!
Hey! It's the first "real" new show of the New Year! Let's keep rocking with the craptastic news!
On Today's Show:
- Ashley Simpson is a filthy, dirty, disgusting pig.
- A cross-dressing man got caught with his skirt up.
- And Finally: Pet Plastic Surgery. After "The Swan", you knew it was coming to this.
Enjoy the show!
Hey freaks,
Ok, I've been a bad, bad host. I took my hosting responsibilites and pissed on them like an angry monkey. I didn't really produce a lot of new shows for you last week, but I have been busy behind the scenes. A re-designed DV Daily site is in the works and should be up in the next week.
I did record a brand show last Wednesday but I couldn't get it online because I was....well, I was probably drunk. We started the New Year celebration a wee-bit early here at Distorted View. So here it is! It may be old, but it's New-To-You(tm).
On the show:
-What did you say? A driving dog!? A news story so retarded, it's worthy of a prime spot on America's Funniest Home Video.
-An old woman beat up her 88 year old husband
-Setting your parents house on fire because you didn't get a Furby for Christmas...or whatever the hot present is this year...mechanical pencils..or whatever.
-Finally, porn on Christmas Day! Everytime a slut gets gang-banged, an angel gets her wings.
We'll be back on Monday with an all new episode!
-Tim
