Frequently Asked Questions
Table of Contents
What is Distorted View?
Distorted View (DV) is a daily comedy show in mp3 format. If
you’ve got a computer, you can listen. Each day, host Tim Henson scours the web
for bizarre, twisted stories in the news. He then presents them to you,
complete with his own off-color commentary.
In addition to the news, several special features occasionally
appear on the show. Every Tuesday, Distorted View presents Sextastic Tuesday, a
segment where Tim reads a strange/sick/bizarre/funny erotic story.
Tim also coined the term “skank”, which refers to a prank
call placed on the “Skype” system, a popular internet-telephone service. The
prank calls featured on DV usually take the form of a bit called “Tim Pretends
to be a 14 Year Old Girl and Talks to Pedophiles”
The program is explicit, contains adult content and is not
suitable for those under 18.
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Who is Tim Henson?
Tim Henson is a 19-year-old Malaysian chicken breeder who
fled his country after the devastating and deadly Poultry Riots of 1986. A scientist
and inventor, Tim is responsible for a number of important findings. In 2005 he
stunned the scientific community with the discovery of the 5-sided square he
dubbed “Pentasquare”. Tim is also
responsible for finding “levenge”, the “lost” number between 2 and 3. It may
take decades for Tim’s work to be understood by the general public, but he has
no doubt already begun to leave his mark. Not bad for an Asian chicken breeder!
Tim enjoys spending his spare time with his pet Rhinoceros,
Christy.
He is currently the world’s only hermaphroditic juggler.
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What is a Podcast?
Some people are confused about what “podcast” and
“podcasting” mean. It’s not very complicated at all, however. A podcast is an
audio show, usually in mp3 format. The way you’d listen to an mp3 file of Kelly
Clarkson or Wham, is the same way you’d listen to a podcast. The name “podcast”
comes from iPod and “broadcasting”
Podcasting lets you “subscribe” to shows. By subscribing to a
show, everytime a new episode is posted, your computer will automatically
receive it on your computer. This eliminates the need to constantly visit the
website to see if a new show is online.
To subscribe to a podcast, you need a podcatcher, or aggregator.
These programs (many of them are free) run on your computer and check to see if
new shows have been posted. If you have Apple iTunes or a new version of
winamp, you already have a podcatcher!
The podcatcher needs to know what shows to look for. For instance,
by entering
http://www.distortedview.com/show/index.xml
into your podcatcher, you would be subscribing to Distorted View.
Please visit the wikipedia for more information on
podcasting. Click Here
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How Did Distorted View Get its Start?
Tim’s personal website went online in 1996 and was later
renamed Distorted View. In December 1997 when Tim began to experiment with
streaming audio, the Distorted View Show was born. The first set of 13 programs
were typically an hour long and featured friends hanging out, trying to make
each other laugh and the occasional pre-recorded sketch.
Despite the amateurish quality of the program, a Dallas,
Texas-based Internet broadcaster picked up The Distorted View Show in 1998. The
Real-Talk Network was envisioned as complete e-commerce site and Internet radio
station. The idea was to have each of the shows advertise products that could
then be purchased on the Real-Talk site.
After airing 13 pre-recorded programs, Real-Talk relocated
Tim and co-host Joe Donatone to Dallas to begin producing live shows from their
broadcast studio. In June 2000, the first 2-hour live show aired. The success
was short-lived, however, as the company was soon forced to declare bankruptcy
and shut their doors.
In December 2000, Tim created Distorted View Daily for 1-800
Telephone service TellMe. Callers could listen each day to strange news stories
with inappropriate comments and remarks by a vulgar, cynical host. It was
almost immediately one of the services top destinations. A CD of popular
sketches and bits was produced and became a top seller on mp3.com.
In 2002 Distorted View moved briefly to mp3newsbreak.com, a
service that would automatically send audio news in mp3 format to your computer
every day. In April of 2003, Distorted View Daily segments occasionally aired
on Sirius Satellite Radio.
December 2004 saw the rebirth of Distorted View, this time
as a podcast. Today, Distorted View is more popular than ever. Thousands of
people listen to the distortion everyday. In August 2005, the show won Best
Comedy Podcast at the first annual Podcast Awards.
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How will I know if I’m Pregnant?
Telltale signs of pregnancy include but are not limited to:
minor toothache, bloodlust, genital discoloration, divorce, male-pattern
baldness, gangrene, rapid weightless/gain, minor cuts and scrapes, short-term
schizophrenia, and athlete’s foot.
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Why should I give Tim my money?
Because doing a daily show is
hard work, and he ain’t gettin’ paid for it. It’s been estimated that an
average episode of Distorted View costs $487,000 to make. Please, consider
paypaling him some money. It’ll keep a lonely boy off the streets, if only for
a short-while.
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What does gender-reassignment surgery feel like?
Squishy, but not in an entirely unpleasant way.
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Why do my genitals burn when I listen to Distorted View?
In clinical trials, Distorted View has been proven to cause
slight genital discomfort, along with hysterical blindness, and semi-hysterical
constipation. While the cause is currently un-known, these symptoms are
typically mild and pass within a week or so. If crotchrot sets in, seek a
trained physician/amusement park ride operator immediately.
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Is it true Tim is an ass-pirate?
Though tales of Tim’s ass-piracy are greatly exaggerated,
they are not completely without merit. For further information, offer up your
ass and lets see what happens!
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How can I be included in the Girls of DV calendar?
The Girls of DV Calendar is a proposed 2006 12-month wall-calendar
featuring lady listeners in sexy/disturbing/funny poses. While nudity is not
necessary per se, you must be willing to work it. Contact
tim@distortedview.com for details.
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How often are new episodes posted?
Every weekday! New shows are typically posted in the wee
hours of the morning (midnight-3am). If Tim is on vacation, sick, or just lazy,
Best-Of shows will air in it’s place. Very rarely, a new or best-of show will
appear during the weekend.
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When is Tim’s new album coming out?
The lengthy court battle over Tim’s first album is expected
to reach its conclusion when he appears before the supreme court next
month. Until that time a strict gag
order has been issued keeping both Tim and MCA from discussing the situation
candidly. His Sophomore release,
tentatively titled, “If I Were a Marionette” has been shelved indefinitely by
Sony. Stay tuned for updates regarding a release date!
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Will the album feature the long-rumored duet with the late Luther Vandross?
The estate of Luther Vandross has requested (via Cease and
Desist letter) that Tim distance himself from any reference to a collaboration
or personal association with the late singer.
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Where can I get cosmetic surgery to look more like Tim?
The American Cosmetic Surgery Association of America has
prohibited the practice of giving patients Tim Henson’s facial features. For a
list of unlicensed “physicians” in your local area that are not constrained by
the bounds of ethical limitations imposed by the ACSAA, please google “Tim
Henson BackAlley Face Lift”.
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How can I be a guest on Distorted View?
The easiest way to have your voice heard on DV is to send a
voicemail. At the end of each program Tim reads emails and plays voice messages
left to the show. Call 206-666-4463 (206-66-OH GOD!) and go town. If you think
you’d be an interesting/fun guest,
E-mail
Tim
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Bulimia or Anorexia: Which is the smart choice?
For my money, Bulimia is the way to go. You can eat whatever
you want, your abs get a daily work out, and you can lie and tell people, “I’ve
just always been blessed with a fantastic metabolism.” That really pisses people off.
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Is Tim still in the midst of a Hollywood feud with Dakota Fanning?
Dakota Fanning, 10 year old actress and self described
“party slut” has been feuding with Tim ever since they shared the screen in
last year’s tender love story, “A Tricycle Built For One and a Half Little
Ladies“. The picture, which Variety called, “A PG-13 clusterfuck of a film
about a 10 year old’s sexual awakening staring Dakota Fanning in the lead role
with Tim Henson as the pedophilic zookeeper responsible for her undoing. This
modern Lolita retelling pulls no punches in its graphic depiction of ‘love’ and
culminates in a steamy scene centered around a goat in heat that will no doubt
have P.E.T.A. up in arms for years to come,” was a colossal success.
But fame came too quick to Dakota, and the off-screen romance
she shared with Tim fizzled after she was photographed with N.Y.P.D. Blue’s
Dennis Franz. In the midst of their
well-publicized fall out, a drunken Henson stumbled into Fanning’s Bel Air home
and threatened her with a funoodle. As heard in the
now infamous 911 tapes,
Henson told the operator, “I’ve killed her. Oh God, I think I’ve killed her
with a pool toy. You’ve got to send someone. Dakota Fanning isn’t moving.”
In reality, Tim had beaten a Kid Sister doll, whom he
believed was the young star. He had
actually broken in to the home of musical legend Shawn Colvin.
After the 911 call surfaced on the Internet, the two avoided
each other in public but waged a vicious media war, which culminated in their
August 14th, 2004 face-off at the trendy Hollywood hotspot, NoBu. Dakota,
furious at being made to wait while Henson was immediately ushered to a corner
booth, stormed his table accosting both he and his unnamed female companion.
The resulting dance-off left 3 dead, 13 injured, and several thousands of
dollars in damages. The two have not spoken since.
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Where can I visit the burial site of the stale Kaiser roll?
In accordance to his wishes the Kaiser roll is buried in a
quiet cemetery outside of Paris in a plot immediately to the right of his
long-time friend Jim Morrison.
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Will Tim perform at my corporate event / child’s birthday party / high
school graduation / criminal trial?
Absolutely. Tim’s standard fee for a 30 minute public
appearance (nudity not included) is $7,500.34 not including cost of airfare,
hotel accommodations, and meals. The following is a breakdown of a typical
performance:
5 minute Introduction (must be approved by Tim)
10 minute keynote speech by Tim
10 minute meet-and-greet / autograph signings
5 minute cookies and refreshments (provided by Tim)
A 2 hour “Happy Endings” engagement is also available. Price
and details provided upon request.
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How do I submit a news story to Tim?
Distorted View has a FARK-like system in place to submit and
read news stories.
Click
Here to check it out. You can always E-mail your news tips to tim directly.
Tim’s address is:
show@distortedview.com
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Why does Tim hate the elderly?
Why don’t you? Have you smelled them? Have you ever tried to
drive on the same road as one of these people? Have you ever been behind one of
them in the grocery checkout lane? What are they contributing to society? If
you elect me president, I promise you Mandatory Euthanasia at the age of 65. My
campaign slogan is “I AM SOLD: KILL THE OLD! HENSON ‘08”
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How Do I Subscribe to Distorted View?
Subscribing to Distorted View lets you receive new shows
automatically on your computer, without the need to visit our dorky website. To
subscribe, you need a piece of software that supports podcasts. Apple iTunes
supports it, as does Winamp, iPodder, iPodderX, and many others.
Each program asks you to enter the “Feed” for Distorted
View. Just type in:
http:///www.distortedview.com/show/index.xml
That’s it! You can than specify when to have the program
check for new shows, where on your computer to store the mp3 files, etc.
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How can I support Distorted View?
Obviously, financial support is always appreciated. But if
you can’t afford to donate to DV, there are many other things you can do!
1)
Spread the distortion! Word of mouth is the best way to get
more listeners. Tell your friends about the show, talk about it on Internet
forums (but don’t spam), or plaster a link or two on your own website. Many DV
graphics can be found and downloaded on our
Street Team Action Squad site.
2)
Are you a graphic artist or web designer? If you’d like to
donate your time, Tim will put you to work on various projects, including
designing artwork for upcoming DV merchandise.
3)
Did I mention financial support is always appreciated? Paypal
us some mad cash, yo.
4)
Scour the web for funny video/audio or news stories and
send them to Tim
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I’m having trouble conceiving. Is Tim willing to be a sperm or egg donor?
All too happily. For an envelope containing free samples of
both, write to Tim Henson c/o Distorted View, PO Box 351, Worthington, Ohio
43085
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What is Sextastic Tuesday?
Every Tuesday things get a little sexier, a lot dirtier and a
whole lot stranger, as Sextastic Tuesday takes over the show. Tim reads an
erotic story to you, but these aren’t just ANY sleazy sex tales. No, no…they’re
sextastic. Aunt Jemima banging Mrs. Butterworth! A unicorn orgy! Gay
Transformer cartoon porn! Tales of bloody tampon lovers! Nothing is taboo
during Sextastic Tuesday.
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How Can I get a Distorted View Bumper Sticker?
Tim gives out bumper stickers (also known as cumper
stickers) as prizes. Listen to DV for your chance to win one! A $0.14 value!
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What is the best way to link to Distorted View?
Just link to the following address:
http://www.distortedview.com
You can find graphics to use on the
Street Team Action Squad page
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How can I help promote the show?
Tell your friends! Tell strangers! DV is always looking for
a few good freaks to join in on the fun. On our
Street Team Action Squad
page, you
can even print out flyers and post them around town or on college campuses.
Talk DV up in message boards around the Internet. Play DV
for your friends in the car. Vote for us and leave feedback at
Podcast Alley,
Podcast Pickle,
Yahoo! Podcasts, etc.
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What is Tim’s Preferred means of contraception?
Tim has long been a staunch and outspoken supporter of the
rhythm method. To voice your support for Tim’s cause, purchase “Rhythm is Gonna
Get Ya” T-Shirts, panties, or polos. All profits go directly to Tim.
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Written by: Tim Henson / Nick Baker
Last revised: Date 12/03/05
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